Speakers talk about adoption challenges

James Shea

Daily Press Writer

MONTROSE — Nearly 100 people filled the Montrose Pavilion’s central auditorium Tuesday to hear a mother-daughter team speak about adoption.

Nancy Thomas and her adopted daughter Beth spoke about caring for at-risk children and establishing a permanent bond between adopted parents and children.

“There are a lot of children who need homes,” Nancy said.

Nancy brought Beth into her home in the late 1980s. Beth was severely abused, but Nancy earned her trust and raised her. Now, Beth wants to help other adopted children through tough periods. She lectures with Nancy and works as a nurse in the prenatal unit.

“Once I got better, I started to help out and realized bonding is so important,” Beth said.

Nancy said many adopted children have been abused and don’t have the ability to trust. Without bonding and attachment, the children have no conscience and can hurt others without remorse.

When adopting a high-needs child, people must teach the fundamentals of bonding that most children learn in the first two years. They must be patient but set clear boundaries.

“It takes a special person to open their heart and homes to a wounded child,” Nancy said.

She said bonding comes through human touch and caring. A young baby is held close to its mother early in life, forming a natural bond. The child reacts to the parents’ expressions and feeling.

“It’s the smile in the eyes they need to bond, and it is up to us to keep it there,” Nancy said.

A large part of the bonding at an early age is through nursing. A baby, when it’s nursing, is close to the mother and becomes attached. Nancy said the reason people associate sweets and love is because mother’s milk is rich and sweet.

“How many people are going to send a box of liver on Valentine’s Day?” Nancy asked, getting laughs from the audience.

Nancy said adopted parents must do shared activities with children to bond. This can be doing the dishes, eating dinner together or playing games. She said children will open up better during shared activities and talk about their feelings.

“It’s all about laughing and loving together,” she said.

Beth said children with attachment disorders do not realize that parents or caregivers can help them meet their needs. These children view people with suspicion and won’t open up because they have been hurt in the past.

“The can’t accept the consoling you give them,” Beth said.

She said babies with attachment disorders do not hold onto people when being held. They are adverse to clinging and other natural baby instincts.

“When you hold a baby, they should hold you,” Beth said.

Nancy said a baby must be close to its parents in the early stages of life. A mom or dad should wear a sling to keep the baby close to the heart. The baby can react to a person’s heartbeat and learn how to act.

“Babies can’t be passed around to a bunch of strangers,” Nancy said. “They need to be held by their mom and dad.”

Nancy said adopting at-risk children is rewarding and said she has received a lot of benefit. She said children need stability and added that any adoption that breaks down is hard on the parents and the child.

“We do have children with special needs, and they can heal,” she said.

Contact James Shea via email at Jamess@montrosepress.com